More personal insights

What a journey.

Isn’t it interesting the more you find out about yourself, the less you know!

I have recently gained clarity in areas that previously lacked. Clarity on behaviors, reactions, emotions that I think have always been there, but I didn’t pay attention to much of the why they were there. All I knew is I thought everything around me was making me feel unhappy, discontent and generally miserable.

I have always struggled with anxiety, all my life, and always hated it. Why did I have so much anxiety? No one else around me/my family seems to. This anxiety led me to be able barely function in the past.

Whats facinating is I am learning my anxiety goes back to my childhood and abandonment issues. For the first time in my life I have stability, starting to lay roots, and no threat of abandonment, and as it turns out my anxiety is an internal struggle of dissatisfaction; I am not sure how to live with stability, having never had it, so anxiety is like a cry for help, it’s saying ‘pay attention! something is out of alignment!’

I heard a quote, which reminds me of this struggle that I love: “I am grateful for the contrast in my life, as it pushes me to my true needs and desires.”

I find this true. There needs to be some level of discomfort in order to change, grow or progress.

I am seeing these irrational emotional responses unfold in my life now, instead of them happening to me, and me being left in a state of fear, panic and uncertainty.

Now, what I was hoping for was, once I learned of my deep abandonment issues, and finally having stability that these reactions would stop happening. No such luck yet. But I am grateful for the wisdom in seeing them for what they are a whole lot sooner than ever…progress, not perfection.

It is nice to feel like I have the missing key to why I have been so anxious for the last few years, and discontent.

I have also discovered I have not made myself a priority, maybe through fear of what I would find, having to sit with myself. I focused completely on external validation, love and acceptance. Something I am learning I need to be able to provide for myself.

Which leads me to the how. I think it is partly to have faith in trust in God, yourself, and your life. I googled ‘trust’ because, I wasn’t sure how to even start…

I stumbled across: “Trust: to believe in the ability of (something/someone)”. I like that. That I can comprehend.

I am also on a discovery of self-love. What is it? Where do I start?
One thing I keep hearing over and over from people like Anthony Robbins and Abraham Hicks, is to start with your thinking. The negative thinking.

I cannot believe how negative I was, some of the thought patterns I found myself habitually using were: catastrophizing, what ifs, emotional reasoning, seeing everything in black/white only and so on.

What else was interesting to me, is my fears (False Evidence Appearing Real) would seem completely feasible, but when they were diffused, I would immediately come up with another, which at times were ridiculous.

So my lesson I believe is it is just old, negative thought patterns I have developed over 30 years, and might take a while to reverse this habit, like any bad habit.

I do know I feel a lot better when I keep my mind grateful, on abundance not lack.

Which leads me to one more point. Not only do I have stability for the first time in my life, I also subsequently have everything I have asked for as well, that keeps me grateful!

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4 thoughts on “More personal insights

  1. Awesome!!!

    I can so relate!!!

    I think I heard that quote you mentioned this morning in Abraham’s video…Tell New Story, which is amazing

    This stuff is where it’s at IMHO, I have similar insights, and I have the best feeling about it in the sense I am really headed where I wanna be.

    And I am heading there!!

    This quote ‘look forwards, the past is behind you’ takes on a new meaning.

    Thanks for the share, I love hearing something I really resonate with like this.

    Like

  2. I know you can unlearn the habits/routines/behaviors you have had for a long time. You are doing a great job and sound like you are on the right track. First, delving more into the issue. Figuring out what caused it, what it feels like, what you notice, how your body reacts, etc. Then once you have uncovered the root of the issue you can begin to change behaviors. Even if things have been going on and happening for a lifetime you can definitely unlearn or grow or improve. I would encourage you keep in the positive. What are you currently doing well? What are you good at? What do you value and what are your strengths? Working from the place of appreciating yourself will help you move forward and grow. Reach out for support and use resources. It sounds like you are reading and learning so much; so keep that up! You are doing a fantastic job and you will feel better each and every day. I am proud of you and I loved reading this post. Thanks for finding and visiting my blog and making the connection with me!!

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    • Thank you for the comment livingsublime. I will never give up, thats for sure. And I have a journal/notebook I keep with me at all times, in which I write down my values, strengths, goals, dreams, things to be grateful for, etc. Its a good reminder of all that is well in my life, which I need to focus on instead of waiting for it all to be taken away from me. And thank you for making the connection with me also!

      Like

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